It’s a new year!

Just a few years ago, it was new years eve, I wanted to hold on to the year that just passed. I remember 2018, going into 2019, I was shocked that I didn’t want the year to be over. I felt as if time was running away from me and I had so much I still wanted to accomplish.

 But last night I felt different. The minute the clock hit 12 I took a deep breath and felt my heart expanding and oxygen going straight to my brain. This year… ah…what a year. I had so many thoughts of what went wrong, what I’ve lost, what worked well, things I did that I would have never done if this didn’t happen. The thing I can’t remember is what life was before all of this, and that frightens me.  My brain feels so different. When I see something as simple as someone coughing while watching some tv show my heart skips a bit. Or two strangers shaking hands makes me run to wash my own. I don’t remember how it feels to walk into a room of people and be calm, or see family and loved ones and have full trust. There is always something between me and everyone and anything, like a partition… but how was it ever different? I can’t remember. Just last year for New Years I was in a large room half drunk sweating, hugging, kissing, loving, coughing from laughter, and now that life, that person, is all strange to me and feels like a novel that I read rather than a life I’ve lived. What was also different this year is that on new years I usually take out my notebook and start making lists and wishes of what I want to accomplish, then I get into productive-and-slight panicky mode. There is so much to do, I’m expecting so much of myself. But this year I’m strangely calm. I’m happy that 2020 is over. And whatever tomorrow, next week, month, this year brings I don’t know, but on my end, there is no list, no resolution. I’m just ready for 2021.

Here is my letter to the passing of time:

Dear new year, I know I’ve been too hard on you for the last 20 years, and I get it, you gave me hints in 2019 that I’m asking too much of you, and you acted out in 2020. But this year I’ll take every moment as it is. Please be kind to me.